A Look Back - Part 3

This is the third part in a short series.  The intent is to try (not sure I did it this time) to keep the blog entries brief.  You can read parts 1 and 2 in the archive.

PART 3

Face
Maria B. Davis

I re-discovered several things about myself - like how driven I can be.  When I believe in something, I am stubbornly loyal and work towards that end.  I tend to be a workaholic.  I am a self proclaimed "generalist",  learning about a wide range of subjects and sharing that information with others.  I have a knack for "creating something from nothing".  This knack, as it turns out, is a running theme in my life that I only discovered in retrospection.  So many times in my life I was given the charge and latitude to mold and create my own opportunities as I believed they should or could be.  During those years, I had, perhaps arguably, created an enviable portfolio of experience.  I worked harder than I think I had ever in my entire life.  I volunteered heavily in my community, even helping to found a couple non-profit organizations.  I was an exhibiting artist, an event producer and director, with events ranging from small fundraisers to large events meant to attract thousand from around the region.  I even learned how to swordfight and with my fellow swordfighters held demonstrations both inside and outside our community.  

The last few years have been a productive period, full of new and varied experiences.  My circle of associates has enlarged to include those involved in politics and government, retired individuals, tech geeks, performers, artists and business owners.  Unfortunately, I found that my family life suffered.  I had gotten lured into the idea of trying to outdo myself.  I had also unwittingly trapped myself in a game of community politics and forgotten the reason I had started my journey.  I continued to carry the insecurity of not holding a "9-5" job.  No matter how many projects, how many part-time jobs, no matter how long and hard I worked, there was always a sense that my time was somehow not as valuable as someone who worked on a "regular" basis.   I even felt it when I was working part-time 20 hours a week, running to get my kids, taking care of their needs and then working into the wee hours of the morning to get my community projects done.  Many times I was just expected to just accomplish tasks in my volunteer projects, without being asked.    It had gotten to the point where my productivity seemed to signal to those around me that I had too much time on my hands when in reality it was tearing my life apart.  I tried to pass this off as something that didn't affect me, even though off hand comments made me cringe and many times I felt disrespected.  I value my volunteer work.  It contributes to the quality of life in my community, creates investment in it,  encourages social innovation, and it can be time intensive.    I am always grateful to those who acknowledge time as an important investment and I try to acknowledge that investment by people as well.   Still, every time someone introduced themselves and said,  "Hi my name is (insert name here).  I'm a (insert paid position here).  What do you do?",  all my answers, although true, did not express the breadth of who I am and what I do.  When I worked in the corporate world it was simple to say where I worked, who I worked for and what specific tasks I did.  My job was what took the vast majority of my day.  Currently that time is filled with a multitude of different things, different places, many different people and diversely different tasks.  I guess I just haven't figured out a way to succinctly state what I do, probably because much of what I do overlaps with who I am and that's where my purpose exists.   Someone once looked at me quizzically in a meeting and said, "So what is it exactly that you do?"  Giggles started and someone chimed, "The question is not what she does, it's what doesn't she do.".  I smiled sheepishly, was a bit flattered, but felt like an odd duck without a name.